Dudes of Legend Merits

Bare Thy Chest to Conquer All

Cost: 3
Prerequisites: none
A bared chest equals awesome power. It’s like that werewolf dude from that movie, played by... Tyler Labine or Turbine Loudermilk or whatever his name is (what am I, a 12-year-old girl?).
A bared chest offers the character two benefits: first, the character gains +1 Armor, and second, the character gains +3 to all Persuasion rolls. Not just for acts of seduction, either. If the character wants to buy a used car or convince the old lady next door to sweep his walkway, a bared chest goes a long way.
And yes, this works for ladies as it does lads. A pair of swinging mammaries will aid in Persuasion, and further can equally work to take the impact of bullets or camping hatchets. I read that in Popular Science.

Fuck Falling

Cost: 3
Prerequisites: none
You know what's easily as cool as some chick who can dodge bullets? Some chick who jumps off like, a super-tall building and lands on a car or some pavement or an old lady and is totally unharmed.
That's some Catwoman shit, that's what that is. It's all like—whoosh, flutter, fwip-fwip-fwip— and the hair is crazy and the clothes are rippling and then—whambo! Car dented in! Pavement cracked! Old lady explodes like a balloon filled with viscera!
This one's easy, system-wise: the character takes no damage from falling. Ever. Though, to land all cool-like, the character must succeed on a Dexterity + Expression roll with a penalty of -1 die per 100 feet fallen (maximum -5 penalty). Why Expression? Because landing on an old lady in a really cool way is rad.

Mad Ninja Skillz

Cost: 3
Prerequisites: none
You’re a ninja.
How cool is that?
I mean, nobody’s actually a ninja anymore. It’s a dumb idea. The guy who thinks he’s a ninja is probably actually a dude who just throws shuriken at the mail carrier from his attic window. He probably hunts people with a kitchen knife (his katana) and a Snuggie spraypainted black (his ninja outfit).
But fuck it, this is the World of Darkness. It’s a game. You can be whatever you want to be. So that means it’s time to be a ninja, because being a ninja in a fictional world beats all other options. In the face. With a nail-studded toilet seat.
Now, actual ninjas had all sorts of... historical gobbledygook to consider, but that would require read- ing and effort and I’m just not down with that level of investment. They’re not even paying me for this job. Any payment I get will have to be taken out of Eddy Webb’s hide. With a lemon zester.
So, instead of focusing on lengthy factual and accurate historical portrayals, let’s just get straight to the juicy cuts of meat: the sweet, sweet fictions.
If you choose to have Mad Ninja Skillz, you can have one of the following super-slick shinobi powers (or make up your own, you lazy-ass bastard!):

Disappear in Shadow

Anytime there’s a shadow as big as a person (which includes the very big shadow often known as “night time”), you can hide in it. You can literally become a two-dimensional flattened version of yourself. This costs one Willpower/Character Point. If another character makes a concerted effort to spot you, that character must succeed on a Wits + Investigation roll, and that roll suffers a penalty equal to the ninja character’s Dexterity dots. The ninja can jump out and be all “Boo! Now I stab your rectum!”—which in game terms means he might be able to surprise the victim.

Knife Skillz

Any bladed weapon you hold is deadly in your hands. Anybody battling you is down -3 Defense because you’re just too super-fast for words.
Shing-shing! Slicey-slice! One downside to this: you can’t use guns. Any attempt to use a gun defaults that attack roll to a chance die. Why? Ninjas don’t use guns, dumbass. If they did, they wouldn’t be ninjas. You can find that on p. 74 of the World of Ninjas Rulebook.

Pain Is an Illusion Like Those Magic Eye Paintings of Unicorns

The ninja is not affected by wound penalties when he spends a Willpower point. He’s not numb to it; he is simply unfazed, because ninjas are rad as shit. The effect of painlessness lasts for one hour.
They call this “The Shinobi Hour.”
Walk on Water: It’s that easy. You can walk on water. And not just when it freezes, either. You’re just like Jesus (except with a darker robe). You can run, tip-toe, walk, whatever, right across the surface of said fluid. Why? Because you’re a ninja. Durr.

Wire Fu

I believe ninjas can fly. I believe ninjas can touch the sky. I think about it every night and day. Spread ninja wings and fly away. Ahem. Okay, no, ninjas can’t really fly, but they can act like they have wires attached to them so they can whip through their air like crazy acrobatic howler monkeys. Check out the jumping rules on p. 66 (World of Darkness Rulebook). Now take those jumping distances and triple them for your character. Always. No cost necessary. I know, some of the other ones have cost. And you’re all like, “Game balance, game balance!”
And I’m all like, “Wipe the sand out of your vaginas. Game balance is a myth, like yetis and unicorns and trustworthy politicians. Now pass me the porn and another jelly jar of that bathtub gin, slave!”

Glitter is for vampires and strippers

Cost: 3
Prerequisites: none
This one’s pretty easy. You glimmer and shimmer, like you’re covered in glitter. It’s pretty awesome. It gives you +3 to all Socialize rolls, because who doesn’t want to talk to some dude or chick whose flesh twinkles with cosmic glitter?
If your character is a vampire, you gain double- extra-awesomeness in that you also get to walk around in the sunlight. When you do, though, you’re fey and frail, suffering a -3 to all Physical dice pools. Further, all Physical-based dice rolls lose the 10-Again quality. Everyone also thinks you’re a little gay.

Bullets ain't got nothing on you

Cost: 3
Prerequisites: none
You know what cool characters do? They dodge bullets. They duck them. They sidestep them. They lean back as the bullet parts their goatee. Bullets go in one direction. Step out of that one direction and wham—a slick move, and no inconvenient
lung perforations.
Players whose characters possess this graceful gift can dodge bullets by making a reflexive Dexterity + Athletics roll. Successes on this roll subtract from the successes gained on the attack roll by the gun- toting foe. If the successes on the “bullets can suck my balls” roll match or exceed the “I want to shoot you in your balls” roll, then the character has successfully dodged the bullet. If those successes are lesser, then at least the attack roll’s damage has been minimized, so that’s something about which you can write home to Mommy.

John Woo Two-Gun Mojo

Cost: 3
Prerequisites: none
This one’s super-easy. You know how in John Woo movies, everybody’s jumping around like monkeys with firecrackers up their asses, firing from two guns like it ain’t no thing but a chicken wing? This is that.
A character with this feature needs no Merit to fire two guns at the same time. He can take two separate attacks in a given turn—one for each firearm—without an issue. Further, he can run or jump reflexively (Athletics roll probably required, what do I know?) without concern.
Finally, incoming firearm attacks suffer a -1 pen- alty due to all the goddamn white doves flying around. It’s hard to get a bead on your character with all those feathers flying.

The Myth of the Magic Katana Is No Myth At All

Cost: 3
Prerequisites: none
Man, as soon as we put a katana in one of the books, the cackling chorus rises anew: “Katanas are not that awesome! Katanas are terrible weapons! They cause blisters! And syphilis! Only a samurai that suffered a debilitating brain parasite would ever use a katana!”
Eff that ess, hombre. Katanas are fucking cool as shit. That’s why you see them at flea markets sold by shady dudes in camo pants. Those guys know what’s up.
So, in an effort to bring katanas more in line with reality, anybody who chooses a katana as a masterful weapon can further choose one Awesome Katana Fea- ture to attach to said katana. Choose one. Not two. Unless your Storyteller says, “choose two,” at which point, you choose two, because the Storyteller is in control of things. Then again, maybe your Storyteller’s a real dick, at which point, do what you want. He can't stop you.

Awesome Katana Features

Armor Ain’t Got Shit Against This Blade

You know what a katana does to armor? It cuts it like a hot dick through ice cream. Because katanas are king shit. A katana with this feature gains Armor Piercing 3 (p. 167, World of Darkness Rulebook).

The Blade of Bulletproofness

The weapon has a Durability of 4. Further, a character wielding such a katana might get shot at, because people always shoot at sexy dudes or hot chicks with katanas—duh, because they want that katana. But if the blade has this feature, then the player can roll a reflexive Defense + Weaponry roll whenever an adversary shoots a firearm at the character. Success means that the bullet is deflected, but of course those successes must be compared to the Durability of the blade before damage to the sword is officially determined. This won’t work on attacks made by shotguns, by the way, at least if those shotguns are using shotshells rather than slugs. I mean, c’mon, the character can’t deflect a dozen tiny little BB’s. Katanas are awesome, not divinely-crafted. Pshhh.

The Katana of Narcissus

The blade of a katana is a beautiful mirror. Anybody wielding a katana with this super-slick feature can hold up the weapon not to attack, but as a reflection in which an opponent can get totally lost, for the opponent sees a perfect ver- sion of himself in the mirrored blade. The player rolls Presence + Weaponry + the katana’s damage rating. The opponent must counter with a Wits + Composure roll. If the player gets more successes, then the foe is hypnotized by his sweet-ass reflection in the sweet-ass katana for a number of turns equal to successes gained by the player over the opponent’s own roll (minimum of one). The character cannot attack at that time, or that’ll fuck this whole thing up. So don’t do that.

The Sexy Katana

Anybody wielding a katana looks super-hot. A katana’s all steel-sexy, all gleam and reflection, all Zenfucker delicious. Am I right? You just want to bang the shine right off a katana, and you would, if the process wouldn’t slice up your pink parts and leave you with something that looks like a plate of tuna tartare. Still, the person hold- ing the katana becomes the vortex of lust. Assume that someone holding a katana automatically gains the Striking Looks Merit (p. 117, World of Darkness Rulebook) at four dots. If the character already pos- sesses the Merit at that level, well, too fuckin’ bad. Go cry to Grandma. See if she’ll give you some candy to soothe your aching rear.

The Super Slicey-Slice Machine

The biggest, coolest thing a katana should be able to do is cut the unmerciful hell out of everything it meets. It should be like the Devil’s own thorn-studded cock – swing- ing wildly and brashly about, knocking over furniture, stabbing foes in the soul, bisecting oncoming vehicles, all that. Take this feature, and the katana now gains the 7-Again quality. Yes, that’s right. The 7-Again quality. Which means, in retrospect, rolling a ‘7’ counts as a success on the attack roll. That’s called “reverse engineering.” Suck it.

Robot Parts

Cost: variable
Prerequisites: none
I dunno about you, but I really just want some robot parts. How cool would that be? Dude! Like a big robot fist that helps me open stuck jars, or a bulky metal jaw that lets me chew through trees and doors and my stupid neighbors. Sweet Jabbering Jesus, I want that so bad my loins ache!
Anyway, robot parts are so cool, I could write a whole supplement called World of Darkness: Super Cyborg Stuff. In fact, I keep sending in pitches for that, but they won’t hire me for it. Actually, they didn’t hire me for this job, either. I’m just tired of waiting. I’m writing it anyway, fuck those guys. I’ve already hired a gang of hacker thugs to crack the White Wolf / CCP website so I can just post this without their approval. It’s fine. They’re totally going to love it. Eddy Webb’s a sucker for this stuff. He has a whole calendar on his cubicle wall of Deadly Lesbian Schoolgirls Featuring Robot Parts. I’ve seen it. I know, because I sleep under his cubicle at his feet when he’s not paying attention. His shoes smell like fear. Shhh.
Point is, I could give you like, 25 billion words on robot parts, but I don’t have 25 billion words, so I’m just going to give you a handful of words and an easy system to go along with it. Ready? Hunker down, because here it comes.
Tie a desired robot part to a single Attribute. You determine what that means, but some examples might be a steel vocoder stapled to your neck that makes your voice bad-ass and booming (Presence), a whir- ring hard drive jacked into the cozy space between the hemispheres of your brain-meats (Intelligence), or an exoskeleton made of robot bones or the secret vampire metal known as Bloodtanium (Stamina).
You buy the robot part with Merit dots. The part costs as many dots as you want that governing Attribute boosted by. Or, “The part costs as many dots as by which you want that governing Attribute boosted.” I think I’m not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition. Though, I’m still allowed to end a sentence with a smiley-face, right? :) Or a threat to your family I WILL KILL YOUR MOTHER?
Relax, I’m not going to kill your mother. She’s too good in bed.
Zing!
Where were we? Right. Robot part equals Merit dots. The Attribute boosted gains a bonus equal to the dots purchased for that robot part. So, if you buy Brain-Based Hard Drive (Intelligence), you gain +3 to all Intelligence dice pools. That’s easy like Sunday morning is what it is. Winner winner chicken dinner.

The Trenchcoat of Holding and Hotness

Cost: 3
Prerequisites: none
A bunch of dickheads wore trenchcoats when they waded into their high school, killing people, and that somehow demonized the trenchcoat. Well, that’s just a flaming hunk of garbage—it’s not like the trenchcoats themselves killed people. The trench- coats did not whisper psychic entreaties of pain and nightmare into the ears of the killers (though this is the World of Darkness, so I just gave you a story seed—use it or lose it).
Nay, trenchcoats are in fact the bee’s pajamas and the cat’s knees.
British soldiers and officers in WWI and WWII used the trenchcoat precisely because it is a bad-ass coat. All the little rings and strappies (not a word) are great for holding map tubes, knives, hand grenades, iPhones, whatever. Plus, you know who else wore the trenchcoat? Rick from Casablanca. And Dick Tracy. And Inspector Clouseau.
Functional, and looks cool. What more do
you need?
Game stats, that’s what.
All trenchcoats in the game can hold an alarming wealth of the character’s inventory. The character can conceal materials whose Size scores equal up to 10 – so, he could carry ten flashlights (each Size 1), or he could carry one rifle and one great ax (each Size 5), or he could even carry and conceal a single sports car (Size 10).
Further, the player can choose the color of the trenchcoat, and the color chosen provides its own added bonus:
- Black. Black trenchcoats are the trenchcoats of bad-asses. A black trenchcoat provides a +3 bonus to the wearer’s Intimidation rolls.
- Brown. Brown trenchcoats are the trenchcoats of detectives. It’s true. Look it up. As such, a character wear- ing just such a coat gains +3 to all Investigation rolls.
- Gray. Gray trenchcoats are the trenchcoats of artists and writers and other weirdos. Those wearing a gray trenchcoat gain +3 to all Expression rolls.
- White. Listen, anybody who wears a white trenchcoat is probably some kind of evil wizard—or maybe the Devil hisself. So, white trenchcoat = +3 bonus to all Occult rolls.
- Some Vibrant Color. Trenchcoats of other colors—pink, lime green, mauve—are pretty dang freakshow. In fact, such a trenchcoat provides no added bonus, but instead offers the wearer a curse: a temporary derangement (mild) that affects the char- acter while the coat is worn.

The Truth About Desert Eagles

Cost: 3
Prerequisites: none
Somewhere along the way, somebody saw the big hand cannon known as the “Desert Eagle” and heard the name “Desert Eagle” and was all like, “I’m too lazy to look at other guns and their cool names.” Nobody talks about the Beretta Cheetah. Or what about the Springfield MC Operator, which sounds like some DJing assassin who will scratch a phat beat before planting two .45 slugs in your lung- beef? Let’s not forget the Ruger Freakshow Fistcock, a .50 caliber fully-auto machine pistol. (Okay, let’s forget that one, since I just made it up.)
Fine, fine, you want the Desert Eagle to be totally bad-ass and live up to the reputation it has been given, let’s do that. Let’s amp this fucker up.
Here are the new Desert Eagle rules. The gun still works like a big booming handgun (see Heavy Pistol, p. 169, World of Darkness Rulebook, though the Desert Eagle may also get some word count in either of the Armory books—I’m too lazy to look, plus I’m covered in Cheeto dust and don’t want to grease up the pages with snack pollen). So, the gun could still blow a hole in somebody. Or, it could blow a glory hole in a bathroom stall wall, if you know what I mean. You know. I know you know.
Ah, but the new Desert Eagle rules gives it an advantage over other guns.
Before firing the weapon, the Storyteller should roll a magical, reflexive die – a single d10. If that die comes up as a success (8, 9, 10), then in addi- tion to firing a bullet, the gun also fires an actual screeching eagle from the barrel. This eagle will at- tack the target, and when that target is dispatched (meaning, fucking dead), the eagle will fly away. (Which means that somewhere, there lurks a colony of pistol-spawned eagles with glinty, steely eyes and a hunger for hot lead.)

The real Desert Eagle

The eagle spawned by the gun has the following stats:
Attributes: Intelligence 1, Wits 4, Resolve 3, Strength 2, Dexterity 4, Stamina 3, Presence 3, Manipulation 1, Composure 2
Skills: Athletics 3, Brawl 3, Intimidation 2, Survival 4
Willpower: 5
Initiative: 6
Defense: 4
Speed: 13 (flight only, species factor 10)
Size: 3
Weapons/Attacks: Vicious Eagle Talons, 1(L)
You might be asking yourself, “Why the hell does a stupid eagle have Composure? Or Manipulation?
Does that mean that the eagle can manage to not look like an asshole in a social situation? Or that he might, on a good dice roll, be able to sell me a used car? Yes. It means both of those things. Now lie back and think of England.

You might as well jump

Cost: 3
Prerequisites: none
If you took The Matrix and made it have sex with The Crow, the resultant film-baby would be the finest movie that ever existed.
Alternately, if you took any of the Matrix sequels, and had them mate with any of the Crow sequels, you’d create a legion of half-aborted monster babies that would wriggle and slough off poisonous skin and they’d eventually swarm our cities and use our chil- dren for fuel.
So don’t do that. But that’s really neither here nor there.
Still, in the first of each series, one of the baddest- assed things is how the characters can leap willy-nilly between buildings. Doesn’t matter how far apart they are. They just can. Eric Draven runs and leaps. Neo does the same. It’s a ballet of building-leaping. With this element in place, you can do that. You just can. No roll necessary. Just do it. I mean, you can spend a Willpower if you feel guilty, but that’s kind of silly. Okay, fine, fine, you want a restriction? The buildings have to be next to one another. They can’t be like, a thousand miles apart. That’s stupid that you’d even think you could do that. Why would you think that? Were you mule-kicked? I was mule-kicked. That fucked me up for like, years. Any time I do something stressful, I smell mule hooves. It’s in my nose right now, because writing this is totally freaking me out. That’s probably also the peyote.